the middle pillar

my brain moves slowly. watching angelina in the changeling makes me envious of her defined jaw line. at the beginning of the movie i commented on how emaciated she looked, by the end of the movie i wanted to look like her. it is possible for me to again cut out carbs, etc. and return to a 'vegan' diet. what a bunch of bullshit. it's starving myself plain and simple just like the good ole days.

i seem to have pretty definite manic versus depressive days. manic days i go balls to the wall in a frantic spin of energy. after about a week or two i have to have a day in bed where i crash, sleep, and berate myself for needing rest. be kinder to yourself Joy!

i have also noticed that i cannot easily just choose to have a day of rest but that the day of rest is enacted upon me by necessity, typically recovering from a hang over. it is as if i cannot calm myself or wind down sufficiently from busy and to do so i drink to 'unwind'. this unwinding is not within a moderate space however so then i am depressed the next day for failing to fulfill my obligations, etc.

stop the cycle! stop the madness. instead of such black/white extremes, choose the middle path. the middle pillar.