Sunday, January 31, 2010

anemone

earth after earth empties
and all our gods,
ourselves, are naught
are fraught of want
we can fake these small thoughts
and make them hearts, or doubts

in lieu of grand schemes and sentient solos
she could not submit for a cause
all our nature is taken
all our nature is broken
for the created

another mellow drone
another road home
all my nothings
all my never once
a song heard strikes
more than you now
my turn to look away

of all his, i am not won
of all his, i am not
i am each

overlap, we is not an entity
this form forgotten
and all i can feel is my heart beat
and all i can feel is my heart beat complete

i don't want their roads
i want this blue sea
those eyes perceive and plead

my beauty, she is not ephemeral
she is current
she is her entire life
she is there in my nature
his countenance comes into being

RESIST!!

oh no. first you start having breakfast together and then it's all down hill from there. really? really. let's just all take a step back into the reality of my life. let's also not over think it. for every man (and woman) there exists a bait he can't resist swallowing and apparently I found that bait. oh lord no. it is really simple. i stop talking to him. full stop.

okay so i have to admit it kind of felt good having him grab my hand and look for me and lead me about, etc. but haven't we done that before? and steve jeffe, hahaha, "oh, you're with Pete..." NO!! I'm not with Pete. I am very much not with him. If there was anyone I was not with more it is him. He is a non-issue. A non-relationship. he does not register on my radar. we spend time together on occasion but that's it.

i invited him to lunch in rockridge. or he invited himself. in any case. what? his friends and my friends have known for longer and are we now getting the memo? no!! there is no we.

eh whatever. letting it go. waaaaay not the situation i need. i don't need a situation. least of all with pete fucking fraser.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

dream

pete fraser. garden like lulu's. kids playing. (in water?) time to come in for lunch. a note from @billy saying something about dream and angel and see you soon. with a small pot of flowers shaped like a snail. flowers not fresh, (flesh). i asked pete "how long has this been here?!" why didn't you tell me when this came? he said it had only been there a few minutes, thirty. i said now, it's obviously been sitting here for days or weeks.

tomato sandwiches, stairwell. sliding glass door, a kitchen.

the middle pillar

my brain moves slowly. watching angelina in the changeling makes me envious of her defined jaw line. at the beginning of the movie i commented on how emaciated she looked, by the end of the movie i wanted to look like her. it is possible for me to again cut out carbs, etc. and return to a 'vegan' diet. what a bunch of bullshit. it's starving myself plain and simple just like the good ole days.

i seem to have pretty definite manic versus depressive days. manic days i go balls to the wall in a frantic spin of energy. after about a week or two i have to have a day in bed where i crash, sleep, and berate myself for needing rest. be kinder to yourself Joy!

i have also noticed that i cannot easily just choose to have a day of rest but that the day of rest is enacted upon me by necessity, typically recovering from a hang over. it is as if i cannot calm myself or wind down sufficiently from busy and to do so i drink to 'unwind'. this unwinding is not within a moderate space however so then i am depressed the next day for failing to fulfill my obligations, etc.

stop the cycle! stop the madness. instead of such black/white extremes, choose the middle path. the middle pillar.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

"Gentlemen...Where are our Leaders?" or "Farewell, Complacency!"

SAN FRANCISCO where are you?! Where have you gone, my denizens and hipsters and troublemakers? Where have you gone my artists and anarchists, merry makers and truth seekers? You are a city of beat poets, mad musicians, radicals and revolutionaries. Hello West Coast, YOU are the leading edge of consciousness!

Let us begin a discourse in which we bear witness and become accountable to each other for that which we see transpire in our arenas: SOCIAL, POLITICAL, ENVIRONMENTAL, FISCAL.

Should we turn a blind eye again and again to our current emotional and political environment? For it is emotion with which we are dealing, or rather not dealing with and have not dealt with for nine years. The atrocities of our time are too numerous to list and apparently too great to mention. Where would one begin? Our hearts and our minds have shut down in an effort at self preservation in an era of an increasing loss of freedom and influx of shadow.

Let us not sleep through this collective reverie of amnesia and loss of voice any longer. It is as if we were dealing with a great, "He who cannot be named", and we're all afraid of talking about the elephant in the room because it might ruin the party.

We all want to be happy. We all want "it" to get better. We can see the crash at the end of the road but we can't avoid it because we are barreling toward it too quickly to change course.

But perhaps through our acknowledgment of the mental and political environment, and of each other we can change the direction of this global crash. There is a fear (which we will overcome) that if we start speaking about that which is going on something bad will happen. Maybe we will break, maybe we will disagree. Maybe we will like each other. Maybe we will need each other. Maybe we will be affected.

Let us go out in a heated discussion rather than fade into oblivion. I would rather go out in an earnest attempt than slowly fade away dancing on the head of a pin.

How long can we remain silent? How long can we reside in a hedonistic reverie? Escapism is first rate these days. It is quite possible to go weeks without any thought to what is happening in the larger global environment and it takes a catastrophic event to pull us back. We get the general sense that it's all bad but like little lemmings we more or less turn our backs on the stark realities of our time and head for the cliffs of oblivion.

What are any of us to do?

1) Admit to Self that we don't know how to communicate with each other in any REAL sense anymore because the emotion and gravity is overwhelming.

2) Realize the fundamental resilience of the human spirit and own it. We are strong enough to face the truth and volatile enough to create a positive change.

3) Start speaking to one another honestly about current events in order to educate one another and do so with an outlook of positivity, hope and commitment that things are changing and changing quickly because we are ourselves are changing.

At the crux of the matter is a need to dedicate oneself to improvement, both personal and social. We are not simply bitching about what is going on but speaking of the issues in positivity and diligently applying ourselves to that which is constructive. The spoken and written word has POWER because of the intention and movement that is behind it. The power of thought is more powerful still. We can change the course of our history by how we speak to each other and how we view our landscape. Let us not avoid the horizon any longer.

Through the beginnings of these conversations we will build momentum. As we wake up the answers will come to us.

The decades of the individual are over. We are now in a new space of the collective. Once again the collective can and will come together to enact change. In the coming years, as establishment’s infrastructures lose ground we will need a crop of self starters, organizers, visionaries, Alpha dogs, and soul mamas to guide the way.

Look around at your brothers and sisters. Start speaking the truth. Which of you have a voice and intellect? Each of us does. Let us encourage one another in growth. Let us believe in each other.








Saturday, January 23, 2010

PF, biotch!

From a philosophical perspective of reason...to also understand from a metaphysical/spiritual perspective, a one Pete Fraser, the one I lovingly call my 'non-relationship'. Perhaps it is something of my subconscious which does not allow me to engage with him in a productive way because my subconscious knows he is such an ill fit for me. There is truth in our connection on a physical level, and certainly a tantric sub-atomic particle level, (i.e. my higher chakras light up during our communion), however, in the realm of human to human communication there is much to be desired. Though he seems to be well versed in American politics, much more so than I am, I get the sense that I may be a good deal more cerebral than he. I have not had a conversation with him that stretches the limit of my intellect. I have also not had many conversations with him which are not in a drunken state.

I do not tend to engage with him when I am happy and content in my studies or my music but rather call him when I am 'on one'. I wonder certainly if he would be welcoming of an interaction with me when I am not in that state. Perhaps he represents for me VICE.

Ultimately he is not a relevant suitor because it seems he has no ambition or drive. He sells trees for a living and parties all the time. The destructive child in me is attracted to him. I am putting that part of my personality to rest and allowing other aspects of my personality live.

There are other people I am better suited to. When the vibration matches I will not feel hesitant to speak my mind or voice my opinion because I will not feel that my intellect will make the man feel insecure, which is why I have deduced I am at times non-vocal. Granted, each person has his/her own fortes and areas of expertise and we can all learn from one another in our understanding.

Why can't men I meet be Knox Ziegler without being Knox Ziegler? Or Mark Siegel? Perhaps the very nature of our platonic relationship is the reason for our easeful conversation.

It seems the key will be to treat the men I am in bed with as if they are platonic friends and not put them on a pedestal.

orbit

baby i love you
but you're not for me
i don't have anything
that could make you free

so the light in the attic
speaks to your sun
but that's just as easy
with another one

remember your own
divinity girl
you are the center
of your world

keep yourself at the
center of you nature
and the rest will orbit
you

wow what a bad rhyming poem
this is not a poem but a travesty

i am content with my non-relationships

the walls laugh
focus on your self!

Gurrrrrrl.

Stop spending money you don't have on materialistic bullshit.

Stop drinking to excess and partying.

Stop sleeping with fucking Pete Fucking Fraser.

PROBLEM SOLVED.


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

dude, wtf.

PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GET TO WORK.

Monday, January 18, 2010

don't do it again.

how much can i express the wrongness? i cannot express the wrongness. of all the wrongness that i may or may not express this is the biggest wrongness. all other wrongnesses are not as wrong as this. at least none that i commit. of my wrongnesses this is the only one infiltrated against myself. it harms no one else directly. i know immediately of its wrongness.

what the fuck dude. what is this 1995? knock it the fuck off. NOW.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

*

"The one advantage of playing with fire, Lady Caroline, is that one never gets even singed. It is the people who don't even know how to play with it that get burned up."

-Mrs. Allonby, "A Woman of No Importance" Oscar Wilde

Friday, January 15, 2010

84 charing cross road

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats