for the fakers

and wouldn't i find it

in a tree, next to me

always the wrong decisions

and you are always leaving

we are always leaving

too much to get close

i am always leaving

i would love you i would

i would love you if i could

for all the fakers

i am the worst of the game

i'll sell you nickels in a shoe box

i'll tie one over and make you cry

i don't even know what i'm doing

anymore

i don't know who you are

i don't know if you even exist

all that i wish for

is a clean slate

every day carrying the past

leave it at the door

each day we are new

each day we are born again

free each day from

that which came before

let it go

i'm not asking you to pay attention

or to even listen

2010

unconvincing

and it's words we'll never say

and i want you away

i want you on your way

it's not that i don't love you

it's that i don't know where to start

i'd cried once already over your heart

the one that isn't

you are my one and only

my one that isn't

1/31/10

Welded by Her Light

Her light was tragic

Westerly and gravity

Shook down to her magic

Shook sincerely

And hate was love’s forgiveness

Over and again, He

He, Her given

Upon to their light

And his words were hers; tragic

Through their eyes we could see,

See the still in me.

My Lou battled her struck wonder

Asked of him nothing

And locked door to the other

Again her noiseless triumph

Shanked a fail safe

Constant in her wanders

Constant in her dress

He would sigh as skin pressed

He would sigh wordless

As earth after earth empties

Here

Welded by her light,

Welds by the way she wanders.

anemone

earth after earth empties

and all our gods,

ourselves, are naught

are fraught of want

we can fake these small thoughts

and make them hearts, or doubts

in lieu of grand schemes and sentient solos

she could not submit for a cause

all our nature is taken

all our nature is broken

for the created

another mellow drone

another road home

all my nothings

all my never once

a song heard strikes

more than you now

my turn to look away

of all his, i am not won

of all his, i am not

i am each

overlap, we is not an entity

this form forgotten

and all i can feel is my heart beat

and all i can feel is my heart beat complete

i don't want their roads

i want this blue sea

those eyes perceive and plead

my beauty, she is not ephemeral

she is current

she is her entire life

she is there in my nature

his countenance comes into being

RESIST!!

oh no. first you start having breakfast together and then it's all down hill from there. really? really. let's just all take a step back into the reality of my life. let's also not over think it. for every man (and woman) there exists a bait he can't resist swallowing and apparently I found that bait. oh lord no. it is really simple. i stop talking to him. full stop.

okay so i have to admit it kind of felt good having him grab my hand and look for me and lead me about, etc. but haven't we done that before? and steve jeffe, hahaha, "oh, you're with Pete..." NO!! I'm not with Pete. I am very much not with him. If there was anyone I was not with more it is him. He is a non-issue. A non-relationship. he does not register on my radar. we spend time together on occasion but that's it.

i invited him to lunch in rockridge. or he invited himself. in any case. what? his friends and my friends have known for longer and are we now getting the memo? no!! there is no we.

eh whatever. letting it go. waaaaay not the situation i need. i don't need a situation. least of all with pete fucking fraser.

dream

pete fraser. garden like lulu's. kids playing. (in water?) time to come in for lunch. a note from @billy saying something about dream and angel and see you soon. with a small pot of flowers shaped like a snail. flowers not fresh, (flesh). i asked pete "how long has this been here?!" why didn't you tell me when this came? he said it had only been there a few minutes, thirty. i said now, it's obviously been sitting here for days or weeks.

tomato sandwiches, stairwell. sliding glass door, a kitchen.

the middle pillar

my brain moves slowly. watching angelina in the changeling makes me envious of her defined jaw line. at the beginning of the movie i commented on how emaciated she looked, by the end of the movie i wanted to look like her. it is possible for me to again cut out carbs, etc. and return to a 'vegan' diet. what a bunch of bullshit. it's starving myself plain and simple just like the good ole days.

i seem to have pretty definite manic versus depressive days. manic days i go balls to the wall in a frantic spin of energy. after about a week or two i have to have a day in bed where i crash, sleep, and berate myself for needing rest. be kinder to yourself Joy!

i have also noticed that i cannot easily just choose to have a day of rest but that the day of rest is enacted upon me by necessity, typically recovering from a hang over. it is as if i cannot calm myself or wind down sufficiently from busy and to do so i drink to 'unwind'. this unwinding is not within a moderate space however so then i am depressed the next day for failing to fulfill my obligations, etc.

stop the cycle! stop the madness. instead of such black/white extremes, choose the middle path. the middle pillar.